Sunday, August 25, 2013

Grump Post Time! (In Which the Author Resents her Friends who Most Certainly Don't Deserve It)

Again, no updates.  Sorry, blog.  I try not to make resentful posts, but here you go:

The twins' mother visited, as you know.

Here pictured pretending to like my dogs even though I know perfectly well what she thinks of them, and me:
that we would make lovely evening gloves, if only she had more of us.

She was about as good as she ever gets.  A few little snippy comments, here and there, but overall pleasant.  All the same, my drinking went through the roof and hasn't yet gone down, and I'm worried.

The last month has been, well, everything it's supposed to have been.  Hanging out with my friends.  Camping trips, beach visits.  Museums and gardens and exercising with the dogs.  Work is fine, too.

But I'm not happy, Blog.  I don't know why.  I drink too much, every day.  I feel anxiety bloom in the pit of my stomach and well into my throat.

And the only reason I'm writing now is to keep you updated, keep you posted, and because my friend Tom has begun a blog and posts his updates on FaceBook and it reminded me of how badly I neglect you, and I felt bad for that.

But I have to say I'm annoyed at Tom, too.  Early on, when I knew Tom, I was in awe of him.  He seemed like the smartest, deepest person on the planet.  But now I feel differently.  His current thing is that he's walking across the country.  His blog has a "donate" button, which makes me angry.  And why's he doing this, anyway?  Tom is a restless spirit who creates his own prisons and then whinges about how restless he feels.  Him, with a home, job, family, and loads of friends.  He's not solving his problems.  He's running away from them and hoping they'll dissipate while he's off dicking his way across the country.  You ought never run away from anything, only towards better things, in my opinion.

But I think this represents how I feel about everyone.  I feel like the world has lost its shine.  I feel like the average person no longer interests me, only bothers me with what seem like superficial emotions and problems.  And I resent myself even more, then, because my problems have ended.  I won.  It's over.  I came out ahead in the war I waged, and now I have everything I ever wanted, and even now I can't claim to be happy.  I look at things through burned-out eyes and ask, was any of it worth it?  I did what I did to be happy and I don't feel happy and I don't feel anything else.  I lack sympathy toward everyone, and my world has shrunk to the home I can get drunk at peace in and the two people in the world I can do it with, who will take care of me, who I still have feelings for, but wish I didn't.

*cue sad Disney music*  
*so emo*
Thanks for letting me get that out, Blog.  I promise I'll bring back some cheer and humour next time.