Tuesday, April 9, 2013

Drama at Ford Theatre, and Elsewhere ("Somebody shoot me!")

I don't recall if it was last post or the post before that, or maybe a dream I had on cough syrup, but I vaguely recall stately a strong aversion to drama.

Which is why I'm pretty irritated about a couple of things:
  1. Brandon.
  2. Jenny.
  3. The dramatic Oscar-winning film "Lincoln."
To be fair, one of those three things I should have expected drama from.  But I'm still irritated by it.  So here's what's going on with each of these things, in order:

First, Brandon.  He invited Andrew and I out to a comedy show last Tuesday.  After the show a girl started talking to him and Andrew.  No idea who she was or why I was being ignored (maybe she didn't realise I was with them), but I assumed Brandon knew her somehow, so I asked, "Who's this girl?"

So uncalled for.

Apparently, according to Brandon, I said it with a snotty attitude, or maybe I had a facial expression he didn't like.

I made this face then spat at her and called her a racial slur.  
I mean, I didn't do it out loud, but Brandon knew that's what I meant.

Anyway, whatever I did, he decided it was SO FUCKING RUDE that he would teach me a lesson by not talking to me all evening.  So Andrew (Cap'n Oblivious) decided us four should go out for coffee, where I, picking up on Brandon's inexplicable cold shoulder, decided to start ribbing him mercilessly.  Maybe it wouldn't have been a big deal if we hadn't all gone out, but Brandon was doing his best to infuriate me, and it worked.

The night ended (thankfully) and the next day Brandon called me to yell at me for 45 minutes (checked the time on my phone).  His tirade was mostly about how I was a rude bitch and we weren't friends anymore and he just sort of repeated that endlessly, but got stuck in a loop where he had to keep going and going.  And no, he did not understand the irony of calling someone to shout obscenities at them for "being rude."  And no, he also did not understand the irony of giving someone the cold shoulder over a misunderstanding and then calling them rude.  In short, he was a hugely hypocritical ass, and at first I was really apologetic because I had no idea he felt so strongly about this.  I apologised and I let him vent and reacted fine, but afterwards thought about it, and I realised something important.


I realised that if he's going to be someone who 1) can't communicate conflicts maturely either while they're happening, or afterward, 2) holds our friendship hostage and threatens to disavow me, or 3) only wants to be friends assuming we never, ever fight and only have fun and he never has to deal with any sort of problem... then frankly he's not much of a friend at all.  Also, who the fuck gets that insanely petty and passive-aggressive over three words?  Remember, the three words were "Who's that girl?"  They weren't "Who's this cunt?" or "I feel niggertastic!"  My question was a genuine panicky response from someone with social anxiety who is scared of meeting a new person and is scared of being left out of the group.  I would argue they were justified and if Brandon thought I was being rude he should have just said so.

I feel bad because Brandon's a cool guy and I like him, but seeing him like that was a little much.  Also the last three or four times we've hung out he really just wanted to hit on girls, except for the one time he lectured me about not letting men touch me for like thirty minutes.

Starting to think his badge is a fake and he's not even a real boob inspector.

So he's also a sexist.  Even if I can keep my stupid mouth-hole shut, then he's pissy about something I am or am not doing with my body.  What the fuck? I don't know if I mentioned that.  Yeah.  Sort of a problem.   I mean, I didn't call him the next day and flip out.  You know why?

Anyway, I feel like we're on neutral terms and although I can't say I consider him a friend I don't hold any real animosity toward him so whatever.  I guess that's the best you can hope for when someone loses their shit.

And speaking of losing one's shit, our second problem, Jenny, is really fucking things up for me as well.  Andrew and I have been best friends for years, on-and-off with benefits, flatmates for three months, but we only started dating a couple weeks ago and during that time I have (for Andrew's sake) gone out of my way not to offend Jenny.  Is Jenny hanging out with us?  Then I can't touch Andrew.  Is Jenny on FaceBook?  Then don't post any cute pictures of us.  Essentially I haven't been allowed to do anything that might upset Jenny.

All my FaceBook pictures with him look like this.

Well, Andrew decided (for my sake) to break the news to Jenny, since it isn't fair to any of us to keep this a secret.  And Jenny, displaying all the maturity of a normal, emotionally well 30-yr-old, proceeded to lose her shit and accuse Andrew of cheating.  But not, like, literally.  Cheating in the sense of having an emotional affair with me and being mentally unloyal to her.

Oh my God.  Really, Jenny?  Really?  Look, you dated Andrew for five months, after asking him out TWICE.  And he said no the first time because he just wasn't that into you and, at the time, him and I had a slightly sexual relationship.  But when he said yes eventually, he and I stopped everything.  No more phone sex, no more raunchy jokes, no more linking each other to funny '80s pornography.  Nothing.  Nada.  We were like virgin Mormons growing up in the 1950s.  What's more, she stole away my best friend.  No more calling him on Friday or Saturday nights because I might bother him and Jenny.  Just me, sitting at home, wondering when and if he'd ever come back, and agonising over our friendship.  I went out of my damned way to respect their relationship.  And Jenny is repaying it by immediately crapping all over our relationship.

(They broke up 8 months ago.)

She doesn't like me, I get it.  I'm sorry you're a jealous bitch but seriously?  Get over it.  Maybe Andrew actually likes me and that's why we're dating.  This sort of petty feminine bullshit is why people like Brandon don't respect us.  Andrew and I have been tip-toeing around Jenny's feelings at the expense of mine, and this is frankly none of her business.

Also, the fuck is "emotional" cheating?

Jenny eased open the hotel room door and covered her mouth in horror.  Sitting cross-legged on the bed, the phone cradled against his shoulder, Andrew was listening intently to his friend's problems.

"You... you monster!" she cried.

Dropping the phone, Andrew's head ripped around.  His face told her everything she needed to know: his guilt was written clearly upon it.

"No!  Jenny!" he protested.  "This... this isn't what it looks like!"

"It is!" she sobbed.  "You're... you're comforting another woman.  How could you?"

So, yeah, this whole thing is pathetic and disgusting and she's being a jerk to Andrew by not respecting our relationship and by accusing him of being a bad person when so far he's gone so far out of his way to protect her stupid ass that he's halfway to Narnia.  Up until this point, Jenny has been the most boring, neutral, shallow person I've ever known and it's weird to see her display emotion.  I feel almost bad for her, but she's being so out of line it's hard to sympathise with what it likely a very difficult time.

Jenny is like Fluttershy if Fluttershy were a cold, envious drama-monger instead of a multicoloured pony.

There shouldn't even be a conflict here.  She's a friend to Andrew.  She's not dating him.  I'm sorry she got hurt and that she was more into him than he was into her, but this isn't primary school.  Once you break up with someone they're sort of allowed to do whatever (whoever) the fuck they want!  Her putting Andrew in this position and trying to sabotage our fledgling relationship by holding herself emotionally hostage is not just immature and petty but it's also manipulative.  I hope she goes the fuck away and stops calling Andrew to complain about... I have no idea.  How shitty it is that two people who aren't her are happy together, I guess.

Jenny's Oscar-worthy emotional breakdown over shit that doesn't concern her is almost as revolting to me as the movie "Lincoln," which I saw last night against my will and loathed.  It was clearly a circle-jerk of writers and actors hoping to get an Oscar.  The only way they could have been more obvious is if Lincoln had helped a wounded Civil War solider put together a ragtag baseball team and try to win the championship cup to boost morale and also so that the solider's retarded son would respect him.  And also the solider's name is Oscar.  And also it's the Holocaust.

Among the things I hated most were:
  1. The complete deification of Lincoln.
  2. The way in which anyone who voted against the 13th amendment was portrayed as a generic bigoted bad guy when I assume back then the issue was a lot more complex and there were some serious economic concerns.
  3. The way they showed voting.  They were like, "Time to vote on the amendment."  And then they showed everyone voting no.  As if to raise the tension.  As if we, at home, sitting on our couch and watching the movie, were like: "Oh my God this is so dramatic.  I don't think it's gonna pass.  Should we call Tyrone and warn him?"
  4. How everyone just resorted to clever quips and anecdotes and no one said anything of consequence to anyone else.
  5. How Lincoln kept creepily touching everyone.
This movie was well-made but it was the sort of thing that you might watch in a history class.  I kept waiting for the bell to ring so I could leave but instead I had to sit through the whole thing, all the while thinking that it would have been way better if Lincoln had been hunting vampires or trying to pass a kidney stone.  (Just as forced and dramatic!)

Also at the end we learn that Tommy Lee Jones is in love with a black person and that's part of why he's been so vehemently pro-abolition, and I think they missed a huge opportunity to cast Will Smith as the black woman, since those two already have great chemistry from the Men in Black movies they did together.

 So many missed opportunities.

In conclusion, if you like history and politics, this movie combines all the desperation of a hobo pleading for change (only it's a director, pleading for awards) with the excitement of C-SPAN (assuming that your friend has actually spoiled the ending to the session of C-SPAN that you are viewing).  Mind you, I didn't hate it.  I just found it boring.  So I give it two solid thumbs meh, which is at least much higher than either Brandon or Jenny at the present time.

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