The usual, I suppose.
The whole weekend was further compounded by a rather odd extenuating circumstance. My bottom left wisdom tooth (#17, for those of you who are dentally-inclined), has been impacted and aching for about ten years now. Why haven't I had impacted tooth removed, you ask?
...you ask, attention riveted on the screen as you read this.
Well, when I went to get my wisdom teeth removed initially, the doctor broke my jaw upon removal of the very first tooth. (#32, for those of you who are dentally-inclined) What followed was a malpractice nightmare; he failed to contact my emergency contacts, wired it shut without consent, failed to take an X-Ray, and ended up doing more damage than if he'd left the damn thing alone in the first place. I needed reconstructive surgery, two plates, eight screws, and ten weeks of my jaw wired shut to repair the badly misaligned bone; I have lasting joint and nerve damage.
Check out this wicked cool scar. I asked the surgeon to cut vertically instead of horizontally
so I could live my life as a Disney villain, but he said no.
So naturally I opted to leave in the remaining teeth. But last Monday (almost two weeks ago), my remaining lower wisdom tooth began paining abnormally bad. My speech grew slurred and my face swelled up. By Tuesday it was bad enough that I called my dental insurance company and requested the names of some oral surgeons. They gave me some cheap, less-that-reputable clinics on the south side. (I live in southern Los Angeles.) I gave up my search.
You can cheap out on a lot of things, but some things, like dentists, just aren't worth it.
Wednesday, I called my regular dentist and said I needed a referral to any clinic at all, insurance be damned. He gave me one to a 5-star clinic in Beverly Hills, called the surgeon, and set up an appointment on the 15th.
Thursday rolled around, and possibly so did my tooth. I called back and said I couldn't wait that long. It was excruciating. They got me in Friday and removed the tooth immediately following the X-Ray. There was a small abscess at the root of the tooth. My surgeon told me I was "lucky" that we got it out so early because if we'd waited, the infection would have gotten worse and maybe gone into my jaw.
I could have had all the majephty that is Phteven'ph.
Thus began the weekend with Andrew's friend. Nothing says "good impression" like "previously traumatised person with anxiety loopy with delirium and high as fuck on painkillers."
The best part was probably when she insisted on bringing Jack's roommate, the one who won't stop smoking around me, who managed to blow marijuana smoke in my face for the 5 minutes I was in Jack's house.
Look, I don't like weed, but I support its legalisation. But don't be a dick about it. Blowing smoke in an asthmatic's face is a shitty move. She didn't even apologise when she was called out on it. I'm being tolerant, and you're being a dick.
But back to my medical story. The surgery itself was fine, only about 45 minutes under general anesthetic, and the doctor was great. He even numbed my arm so I wouldn't feel the IV go in. I felt fine for about 24 hours afterwards, and even managed to go to one of the West Adams History Tours and give a speech on the Beckett mansion.
I'm sure my speech was inspiring as well as thought-provoking, though I don't recall most of it at present.
Then came the fever. I've been in semi-unbearable pain since then, I'm hopped up on enough painkillers to down a mule, and my face is swollen to impressive proportions. I've spent most of the weekend feverish and in bed. We went back to the surgeon sometime during the week and he upped both my painkillers and my antibiotics. I haven't been able to eat at all, have lost about 10 pounds, haven't shit in a week, and some of the painkillers prompt vivid hallucination dreams of pure nightmare fuel.
I had a vision of one of Jack's roommates being a selfish, drugged-out jerk who passive-aggressively attacks me for not sharing her values system. No wait, that was real life.
So what do you do when you're wrecked like this?
The usual, I suppose.
YouTube!
It turns out if you search "Full Movie" you can find a ton of copyright infringement.
Without further ado, I present 5 movies I only vaguely remember watching on YouTube while high on oxycodone, along with my reviews, which were written while a little less high on oxycodone.
Julie's Post-Surgery Movie Reviews
1) Tomorrowland (2015)
- What I remember (the plot?): There's a girl named Kaycee who has an awesome NASA dad who is out of work. She gets a pin and hooks up with a robot who actually just a British child. British Child Bot tells her the pins are to recruit geniuses to a utopian paradise for geniuses where there aren't rules. They go see George Clooney, who is an exiled genius. He takes them back to Tomorrowland. In Tomorrowland, they discover that Clooney was exiled for creating a ham radio that sends "really bad vibes" to earth and is going to cause its destruction. I don't remember what they do about the radio, but they restart the recruitment program at the end. I think maybe the British Child Bot dies but I can't really remember.
- What I liked: There were a lot of YouTube complaints about Clooney, whose dialogue was definitely trying too hard to be Tony Stark of Avenger fame. But I thought he pulled it off okay. I thought it was pleasant and none of the characters were unbearable. I liked the female lead; it's nice to see a strong female character who isn't overly sexualised.
- What I didn't like: British Child Bot is such an overdone trope it's not even funny anymore. Please stop making humanoid robots that are tiny British children. Also, I thought the conflict was pretty weak. "Stop sending bad vibes to earth, man." What flower-child hippe dipshit thought that was a good problem for geniuses to have?
- What I might have imagined in a fever state: Edison and Tesla have a rocket ship to the moon that's hidden in the Eiffel Tower.
2) After Earth (2013)
- What I remember (the plot?): Will Smith's son is trying to become a ranger. I think he doesn't get it. He loves his dad but hasn't seen his dad in a long time so it's important that he becomes a ranger to show his dad before seeing his dad. Cut to, he and his dad are in a space ship. It crashes on a planet that was destroyed by bad vibes... why, it's Earth! There are weird spider-lizard-bat things that can taste fear and if you get scared, they can "see" you and eat you. If you don't feel fear you're invisible and that's called "ghosting." Will Smith's son wanders around post-crash, does some stuff, and then he and his dad fly off into space again.
- What I liked: Lovely scenery. Every time I turned my face to the screen I saw a great CGI world with blessedly little dialogue from Jayden.
- What I didn't like: If I recall correctly, Jayden wanders around, finds a weapon in some cache, and then I guess they repair the ship and fly off. Not really a conflict. Sort of an intergalactic tire change, really. Also I remember the monsters looked dumb. They should have kept them to the shadows. Also everyone appeared to be mentally impaired and they talked like Simple Jack from Tropic Thunder for some reason.
- What I might have imagined in a fever state: Jayden falls asleep and frost grows on his face, and you think he's a goner. Then he wakes up in a weird leaf nest. When he comes out of it he finds someone (or something) has built the nest around him and he's in a hollowed out dinosaur ship cleverly covered in strangely symmetric leaves.
- What I remember (the plot?): Jack Frost is sad that, unlike Santa and the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy, children don't think he's real, but think of him as a metaphor even though he brings them the Joy of Snow Days. There's a nightmare character named Pitch who gives kids nightmares, and the Moon tells Jack he must join the Guardians to keep Pitch under control and to keep children's hopes and dreams alive. There's a big showdown at the end and Jack is appreciated by children who Believe.
- What I liked: Honestly, not a bad movie. Really interesting take on each of the characters... Santa's sort of Serbian, the Easter Bunny is Australian, the Tooth Fairy is a Hummingbird, and the Sand Man is just damned adorable. It's a really unique concept and even Jack's character, which could be annoying at times as a hormonal teenage boy, is actually pretty sympathetic. His back story is deliciously dark.
- What I didn't like: A bit cloying, especially the "children must believe" bits. The kids rallying together at the end was nausea-inducing, although full disclosure, I was on a lot of nausea-inducing drugs, so maybe it was just me.
- What I might have imagined in a fever state: There's a greyhound named Harriet owned by a little girl whose role isn't really clear in the movie, but at some point hunts the Easter Bunny and also is ridden around and made to look like a unicorn by the Sandman.
- What I remember (the plot?): Count Dracula builds a secluded hotel for monsters to protect his daughter from being hurt/hunted by humans. She is turning 118 years old and wants to leave the castle and see the world. Dracula is trying to put together a party with all of his friends for her and it's looking like a dud. Then a 21-yr-old pot-head backpacker who is human wanders into the castle, fearless. He and Dracula Jr. fall in love, and Dracula begrudgingly gives his approval, coming to terms with the idea that not all humans hate monsters.
- What I liked: Again, like Guardians, it was surprisingly tolerable. The characters had complex backstories, were sympathetic, and were mostly pretty multi-faceted. I found the backpacker to be a bit annoying and some of Dracula's friends obnoxious, but Dracula and his daughter were both endearing and their relationship was well worth exploring.
- What I didn't like: First, Dracula has, at times, an overly-cutesy Count Chocula sort of thing going on. Second, I feel like the whole "teen love" thing is sort of bleh. I mean, going from "daughter leaving the castle" to "backpacking the world with a guy she just met" is a big leap. Maybe it's just because I'm an adult now, but the whole "BUT DADDY I LOVE HIM!" plots are pretty flimsy to me, and I wish they had had more of a compromise ending instead of the "girl falls in love, is happy ever after" sort of thing. It's just not realistic. Also, Frankenstein's Monster was called Frankenstein.
- What I might have imagined in a fever state: A bunch of Draculas rally together and use their capes to... I don't remember but I feel like there were like 100 Draculas with capes and they were all waving their capes at Dracula. Maybe he duplicated himself and was waving the capes at his daughter's wedding. I dunno. So many capes.
- What I remember (the plot?): I saved this one for last. There was a fifth movie I saw. It was not animated; it was a live-action movie, I think. It might have been sci-fi. I saw it between "Tomorrowland" and "After Earth," and it has since been removed for copyright infringement, so I can't look it up anymore. I suspect it was Divergent, but it could have also been "Jupiter Ascending." Honestly, no idea. There was stuff in space and people running around in tight pleather suits. There was definitely a female lead.
- What I liked: I remember it had some great action sequences and, like "After Earth," fantastic scenery and effects. It had dialogue but I don't think I absorbed any of it.
- What I didn't like: Super loud and very confusing. I might have also lost a lot since it was wedged between two other action sci-fi movies. I think there was a part with someone dangling over a bridge and someone being all "take my hand!!" Another trope we really need to retire.
- What I might have imagined in a fever state: I think someone exploded underwater, but no idea. It might have been a spaceship.
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