Job Seeking in a Modern Dystopia

In my last post, I mentioned that I had applied to Ranker, one of the largest (Top 50!) entertainment sites in the world.  That was one week ago and I wish I could give you an update, but I can't, because they haven't gotten back to me about my application.  I thought my sample article was dece (you can read it from last week) as well as my cover letter, but I have no idea.

Cover letters for entertainment sites are a tricky thing, because you want to stand out... but probably not too much.  Or maybe not.  I have no idea.  There's no rubric for being unique.  On the Ranker application, they stated: " And yes, we are looking at your cover letter to get an idea of your writing style, so smart, funny letters really stand out."

I took a chance and wrote a rather sassy, tongue-in-cheek letter.  I haven't gotten a call back.  I called their offices today but it went straight to voicemail.  The building might be empty, due to the Los Angeles "stay at home" orders.  I left a message asking to speak to HR about my application.  Either they haven't looked at it yet, or, if they have, decided I wasn't right for the position.  However, I think I am (obviously), and everyone who knows me who looked at the job description was like, "Wow, this is a 10/10 match, dawg."  (Disclaimer: none of my friends say "dawg.")

If there was something lacking in my application or the cover letter was a little too funky, then I'd still like to talk to someone in the hiring department and find out what I need to improve upon.  That's still "onward and upward," in my opinion.  It will help me be better at marketing myself and maybe getting a job somewhere else.  I knew Ranker was a big deal, but I feel my writing skills are up to the task, and why not shoot for the moon?  No harm in it.

 You'll end up among the stars!

Floating through a cold, endless void for all eternity!

Without further ado, this week's post is the cover letter I sent to Ranker.  Tune in next week for "What My Targeted Ads Say About Me."

(Note: because this blog is public, some details have been redacted.)

─────────

[My Actual Legal Name]

"A up-and-coming writer with a professional letterhead"

[example@fake-email.com]

www.ialbatross.com

─────────

27 April 2020

To whom it may concern:

I believe I am a perfect match for the position of content writer. My attached resume tells the humble story of a research scientist who burned out and would now like to break into the exciting modern field of listicle writing. As an avid reader of pop culture listicles who has been writing my own independently for years, I believe I would be an asset to Ranker’s pool of content creators, and would love to be given the chance to prove it.

What I bring to the table:

• Highly literate writing with a strong personal voice
• A scientific background mixed with encyclopedic knowledge of comic books and pop “nerd” culture
• A journalism certificate from UCLA
• Years’ worth of content creation that has allowed me to hone my craft into a semblance of something professional
• A deeply rooted love of researching niche and varied interests, trivia, and subcultures

Other reasons to hire me:

• I am highly self-motivated to create content, and work well remotely
• I work well within strict deadlines
• I can provide references from writers in the entertainment industry as well as individual clients I have written for previously
• As an Angelino, I have a finger on the pulse of entertainment news
• I’m highly Reddit-literate and meme-savvy
• I love lists

Not relevant but nonetheless important to get to know me:

• My current D&D character is a sentient chair
• I worked for a year at a board game bar and cafe
• I once won a pie-eating contest

In the interest of journalistic integrity, I will also include a brief list of reasons not to hire me:

• I am likely to try to tie in most lists to Gerard Way’s comic book series “Umbrella Academy,” and you feel that it’s over-rated and not nearly as good as “X-Men”
• I don’t like chocolate, and that’s weird
• You’re worried about generating too much content
• You already have a staff member who’s a recovering biologist and you don’t need another one
• You went to my website and observed, correctly, that it is ugly as sin (In my defense, I am a writer, not a web designer)

I hope you will give me strong consideration. What I lack in professional experience, I make up for in chutzpah, and I know I can fulfill all of your expectations if given the opportunity. I look forward to hearing from you! 

Cordially,

[my actual legal name]