Out of Bounds

Hi there, Blog.

Today we're going to be visiting the unfortunate land of Juvenile Drama, courtesy of Butthurt & Affliates.

So I've been settling well into Los Angeles; I've applied for well over a hundred jobs with minimal success, but I just keep it up, like the Little Engine That Could if he had a college degree that turned out to be worthless because he's a train.  But in the meantime I got a temporarily pay-the-bills sort of job for Public Outreach, which is better than nothing; my friend Brandon turned me on to it.  Brandon is a couchsurfer that Jack hosted at his place during the very first week I was here, and he's a really mellow, easy-going guy who I never feel very anxious around and who is tactful and awesome at dealing with my bullshit.

Other than Jack, Andrew, and sometime Brandon, though, my acquaintance pool is small.  Okay, it's like, three people I hang out with regularly.

The problem is, I'm a bit of a nervous wreck around people and I drink a lot to deal with that, and then I become belligerent and let's face it, unless you're all cute and fuzzy like Oscar the Grouch while doing it, people tend not to put up with that crap.

Angry and lives in a garbage can... you just KNOW he's an alcoholic, too.

The thing of it is, once I get to know people, I calm down a lot.  Andrew's remarkably good at detecting my anxiety level and dealing with it BEFORE it becomes a problem.  I'm not saying everyone ought to be able to do that, but his identical twin brother, Jack, has this phenomenal ability to actually somehow make it worse.  Lately we've been fighting a lot because Jack says or does something stupid and tactless (that he's not even aware of) and then I'm mean to him, and he's incapable of handling it; he gets really cruel and defensive.

Artist's depiction of how I act every fucking time we fight.

Example:  following a fight, Andrew suggested we write each other e-mails and his was a one-paragraph note calling me a bitch.

Artist's depiction of how Jack acts every fucking time we fight.

My point is, there's been a lot of tension and drama between us, which is weird because the road trip went smashingly, and remember how we went to that movie premier and afterwards went to Varnish?  We've never fought like this before.  My current hypothesis is that  he's got some weird jealousy thing with Andrew or is possessed by a ghost.  I hope it's the ghost because I've always wanted to see how a Jewish exorcism works, and also because it would be easier to get the ghost out of him that to get his brother out of me.

Anyway, so we're at his place on Saturday and Jack said something that annoyed me.  What was said isn't important; even as I got irritated and told him off, I was apologising for over-reacting.  I was hyper-aware of having an overly emotional response.  So I asked for cool-down time, and I'm sitting there browsing the 'net while he hovers over my shoulder like the world's most annoying bee.  If you've ever heard a bee buzzing over your shoulder, you'll appreciate how annoying that can be and how that is not how "cool-down time" works.

A great allegory for it is this: when you open a bottle of soda and it starts to fizz up really fast, you quickly close it again, wait for the bubbles to die down, and then slo-o-owly ease it open again to release the pressure in a controlled way.  I feel like when Jack opens a bottle, he must shake the ever-loving hell out of it to make the bubbles go away faster.  The problem is, the top blows off and now there's soda everywhere.

Without getting too much into details, he basically said our whole relationship was a joke or something, and then kicked me out of his house. 

It was really juvenile and really uncalled for, and I'm just completely done.  His behaviour of late is so far off the charts in douchebagginess that I can't even comprehend it; he's basically bringing guns to knife fights and it's bullshit.  I'm willing to admit to being the instigator and willing to admit to being mean, and hell, I've apologised until I'm blue in the face.  But I don't think that justifies some of the crap that comes spewing forth from his maw; if someone slaps you, that doesn't give you permission to drive a knife into their back and twist.  (Yes, I just brought a knife to a gun metaphor.  Deal with it.)

On the bright side, I no longer have to dread hanging out with him.  (Honestly, since I arrived here, I feel like hanging out with him is a terrible casino game where I bet a lot of money and nearly always lose, and when I win it's a really small amount, and also it's not even real money, it's like Monopoly money or some shit.)  I just don't feel like it's worth it anymore; when you start to feel consternation about hanging out with your best friend, it's time to really ask yourself if they ARE your best friend.  Also, I don't think my best friend would take the one thing in my life that mattered more than anything, ever, and tell me it was a cruel prank that was being pulled on me, you know?  I don't hold much sacred, but it's understood that our relationship was a thing and even today I still hurt over it.  Also, the kicking me out thing?  The last time that happened, it was his mother, and she treated me like shit in a way I have never, ever been treated before or since by any decent human being, ever.  So, you know, sensitive topic there.

My big question is WHY.  Jack's never been so awful before.  How did we go from this...

...to this?

I was looking for a good fighting picture and found this.  I laughed until I cried.  
Once again, the Internet totally came through for me.

I'm trying to look at this from the perspective of "maybe he'll grow up someday," and "cool now I don't have to deal with drama anymore."  But at the same time, I'm really hurt and I miss my friend and I wish we had a time machine.  Even if we become friends again (which will be a long, uphill battle), he can't take back what he said.

But, in cheerier news, my buddy Mick is in town for filming.  (Mick is a stunt double.  You know how in Michael Bay films there's a big ox of a henchman who gets into a tank and drives it off a cliff or something?  ...Mick plays the tank.)  We went out to the R Bar last night and had a great time.  I can't wait until Mick moves here so I have another friend; it's comforting to know someone when you live somewhere new.

Also Andrew taught me to drive stick and I'm rather good at it.

So far I'm only wanted for reckless manslaughter in a handful of places.